Social Media vs. Reality (why do we have such a need for perfection?)

Hello!! And welcome to my first blog post! It means so much that you are taking the time to read this. I hope as I share my struggles, thoughts and accomplishments with you that we can all work toward our victories in life together! Happy reading and I can’t wait to hear from you!

I have had an idea, a passion and vision for my blog for many months now. I created the website, had everything looking the way I wanted it to, but then everything stopped. For months my blog just sat there, empty, in cyberspace limbo. All I actually had left to do was publish my first post and yet that didn’t happen. I didn’t stop working on it because I didn’t have anything to write about, because I did. It wasn’t because I didn’t have time, because I did. It wasn’t because I didn’t have my drive or passion anymore, because I definitely did. So why didn’t I post my blog? My mom kept asking me each week why it wasn’t up, and each week I was came up with some reason rationalizing (which in other words stands for Rational Lies) why it wasn’t. “My wifi hasn’t been working”, “Oh it’s almost there, promise”, “Next week! Next week!”, “Don’t worry mom, next week”. Finally, after months of this, I had to actually sit down and be honest with myself, and I mean brutally honest.

I know first hand being honest with yourself can sometimes be a really tricky thing. You know deep down there’s an actual reason that you don’t want to fully admit out loud; so you spend a crazy amount of mental time, thought and energy telling yourself an excuse-like reason that makes you feel better. After a while of having that kind of self talk, you start to actually believe it and then you never have to confront and address the real reason you’ve tried to suppress and hide for so long. This is exactly how I was, which is a lot for me to be honest about. I, eventually, recognized that if I didn't address and verbalize the real issue I would never be able to fix it or actually help myself. And hey, I am 100% not saying any of this is easy or fun to do. It’s way easier to blame my procrastination on anything else rather than myself, and I got really good at doing just that. But after months of using the same excuses as to why I wasn’t finishing something I started, and was clearly so passionate about, I saw in bright colors how each excuse pushed me further and further away from achieving my personal success in this goal I had set for myself. Notice I said that it was my goal – no one made me set this goal – so why, if it was something that I wanted to do and was passionate about, didn’t I just do it.

I started to realize that if I was willing to constantly make these excuses when it came to my blog, then it would become easier and easier to just continue making excuses in all other aspects of my life as well; and to me this wasn’t okay. I wanted to accomplish all these things for my personal success as an individual but I wasn’t putting in the work to get there. Once I admitted to myself that I didn't want to be in the same place I had been for so long, I knew it was time to figure out my real reason for not completing the task I started.

After some time thinking, praying and talking to myself, (which is something I am extremely good at doing, aren't you?) and when I say some time, I mean it didn't just happen in a minute or two, I eventually started stripping down the layers upon layers of excuses and reasoning I had built up and starting exposing my deeper issue piece by piece. It was like peeling an onion, you start and it’s got a thick cover on it but as you peel that away it starts to make you cry, and with each layer you peel back you cry even more – until you get to the center of the onion which is sweet and mild. It was after all that peeling and crying that I found it, my reason. I wasn't being lazy and not caring about finishing my blog... I was afraid…. I sat there and asked myself the next hard question, what was I afraid of?

I was afraid that putting myself out there would come back to hurt me. Who isn’t scared of getting hurt right? I kept throwing out my drafts of each post idea because I was constantly repeating to myself that my writing wasn't good enough, what I had to say wasn’t important enough, no one would read it and those that did would just think it was stupid. I was becoming obsessed with the feeling of needing everything to be perfect so that there would be no way someone could make any of my fears come true. I was so afraid of what others would think and say that I was perfectly okay with making excuses that didn't make me face that fear head on.

Now you might be thinking, Ashlei this seems silly, you’re talking about a blog, not like working towards and achieving something crazy momentous in your life or a presentation in front of hundreds of people etc., Yeah okay, so maybe my livelihood didn’t ride on this blog, but the importance and principle behind it stayed the same. It’s a problem that I see over and over, not just in my life but in so many others lives as well. If it isn’t that “social media worthy” perfect then it simply is not good enough. How many hours have we all spent trying to write the perfect post or caption; taking and editing the perfect selfie just so we can appear perfect to others. I eventually had to accept the fact that I was simply never going to be perfect the way I thought I had to be for others (or even for myself). I will certainly excel in numerous things throughout my life but I will always be able to improve, learn and grow. I will never be perfect.

Now that concept is something I have always struggled with in life. Growing up I thought I always had to get straight A's or even higher if there was extra credit. I thought I had to run faster than everyone else, jump higher and know the answer to each and every question asked of me etc., etc., The funny thing is I have absolutely no clue where this obsession of perfection came from in my life. I never purposely set out to be better than those around me, or act better or smarter. The intent behind my thoughts and actions were never, ever malicious. I simply just thought that not getting the highest score possible equated to me not being good enough or that others would think I was inadequate. I constantly felt like I had to prove myself to others in order to be accepted and deemed good enough.

Failing at anything petrified me. I never understood then, how wrong that thought process was. My parents didn’t expect perfection from me, my teachers didn’t either and neither did my peers. But there I was anyway. If I got a paper or a test back with a 99% grade I immediately scrambled through the pages to see what I got wrong, instead of taking a second to congratulate myself on what I got right. I would tear myself down before giving myself the credit I was due. Here I was years later, out of school, doing the exact same thing with my blog. I was tearing myself down, deciding how others would react to my blog, before even completing the assignment I gave myself. I spent so much time making assumptions about what others would say and think when in reality it doesn’t matter, and I can’t control what others think or do – only what I choose to think or do.

Let’s think about that for a moment though...

If I had the power to control what other people said about me, or what comes out of their mouths, along with controlling what other people think about me and their opinions towards me, I would never have anyone say anything mean, hateful or disrespectful about me or my work. Why would I want that? If we could all control that in others there would never be any mean, derogatory, insulting or negative things said or done towards anyone… ever... I mean c'mon, if you had the power to control that, would you actually choose for someone else to tear down your work? Or your character? I don’t think so either. But clearly as we all know that’s NOT how the world works. So if I can only control my own thoughts and my own opinions why do I constantly stress myself out beyond belief, sometimes to the point of being sick, over the thoughts and opinions I can’t control and dictate. If I can’t control it, I can’t let it control me. Let me say that again…

If I can’t control IT, I can’t let IT control ME!!

All of these things I am saying or definitely easier said than done, and I know that. I am working really hard in every situation to not let the situation control me. Because of taking that step to work on this in my life I’m finally starting to write again and now finally publish this first post! I’ve always wanted to help people and letting something out of my control impede me from fulfilling that dream would be devastating to me. I’ve come to understand that I’m not ever going to make things perfect but that what I make will be perfect just the way it ends up being. All the time I wasted worrying about this blog not being good enough took away time from getting my messages out there, to potentially make a difference in someone’s day. That was my original goal all along: to simply make a difference in someone’s day. I was the one ruining my own chances of achieving my goal, not anyone else.

There are enough people in the world who will try to keep you from achieving your dreams. Letting yourself be one of those people seems silly and counterproductive to your own success. You need to be your biggest supporter and number one fan, and if you stumble along the way just perfect the art of regaining your balance and then sprinting towards the finish line. With you in your corner you will definitely succeed – after all who knows better than you what you are capable of achieving. You don’t need anyone’s approval to go after things you want. I finally started to let my fears go and opened myself up to share with all of you, and I am so proud and happy that I have. As I sit here now, just finishing this first post, I am still accepting and embracing my insecurities, imperfections and refocusing myself on my original goal. So cheers to being perfectly imperfect, cheers to letting go and cheers to embracing what comes next!

Thank you for coming and spending time with me! I’m always here for you! As you go on with your day try reflecting and answering these questions for yourself:

-When have you let your own fear keep you from going after what you want in life?

-What, if anything/anyone, helped you get through it?

-In reflecting, what advice would you give to yourself to keep you from letting what you can’t control, control you in the future?

Leave a comment, message me, spread love and positivity and encourage those around you to do the same! Don’t give anyone else the power to negatively impact your day. Choose Joy And always remember you are unique, special and important in the world.

With much love from within and all around,

Authentically Ashlei